Saturday, May 31, 2008

A year in the life...

Im doing this today because I promised Dan I wouldn't do it tomorrow. We have decided that tomorrow is going to be about hope and faith and not about pity and sorrow so Im getting it out of my system now.

We started TTC one year ago tomorrow. June 1st. I have known for a couple weeks that this day is coming (Im mean, come on, I have a calendar people!) but I just recently started thinking of this past year and it amazes me all that has changed. I got my MBA, my sister got married, my cousin had her baby, my one and only uncle in the whole world passed away, the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing came and went, a whole bunch of my friends got pregnant, I got promoted at work and now here we are again.

One year. I feel like so much has changed, except the one thing I wanted to change. Im not pregnant and it hurts. It hurts deep into my heart and sometimes I just cant control the pain, it eats at me. I feel like a failure as a woman and has a wife. Didn't God put us here to reproduce? Well then why cant I get it to happen? And Dan and I talked before we were married (hell, before we were engaged) about having kids. It was (and still is) one of the reasons I love him- he adores kids. But I feel like I am failing him. He deserves to be a father and it pains me that I cant seem to make it happen.

I have started keeping the blinds closed to my office at home. Because when they are open, I can see my neighbor, who is pregnant with #2, play with her son. I used to love watching a mother play with her children. Now it makes me sad, angry, frustrated and defeated in one moment. I need to find a way to get passed that, but I suppose thats for another blog. And another day.

Thank you all for listening, reading and being there for me. Each one of you comfort me, support me, inspire me and guide me in ways that I can never explain and I am forever grateful.


Shannon said...

Awww Shannon, I'm crying reading your entry. I know exactly what you mean about failing as a wife, adn as a women. We grown up thinking one day we will be a mommy, and never once did it cross my mind it would take this long, or be this difficult. How do we move on from feeling like a failure? I guess just faith. Faith in knowing what one day you will be a mother, and a wonderful mother. Just keep praying Shannon, and just your faith and trust in Gods plan
I heart you!!

hopefaithlove said...

We can do this together in HOPE and FAITH. I have also decided that I need ot be more positive and look at it as it is going to work out!!!

I know what you mean by feeling as a failure as a wife but you are not a failure because you are still trying.

Hang in there.

Stephanie said...

Tears are flowing down my face right now. Every sentence you wrote, I feel in my heart too. I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since I can remember. I know even as a child I thought how amazing it would be to have a growing belly with a baby inside of it. What a miracle to become a mother. I never in a million years imagined this is where I would be 1 year after starting to try to have a baby. Some days I don't know what will get me through this, it is a journey that hurts more than I think it should. I just keep praying that someday my turn will come. (((hugs))) Hang in there. Somehow we will make it through.

Kristin (kekis) said...

I know what you mean . . . As women, we are raised to become good wives and mothers. When that doesn't work out like we thought it would, we are lost. Thebphysical part of loss & TTTC is the easy part. It's the emotional journey that's the toughest - the loss of a dream, a plan that we thought we had.

God does have a plan for each of us and we are to learn His lessons along the way. Someday it will all make sense, but until then, we have to rely on the Lord for our hope, mercy, and grace.

jbwife said...

As I wipe away the tears, I sit here confused. It is so obvious how badly you want to be a mother (as we all do) and yet it hasn't happened. The phrase, God works in mysterious ways, is an understatement. I pray for understanding b/c it just doesn't make sense to me why people who hope and pray for a child aren't blessed with them.

It's so hard not to question our worth as a woman and wife when we're not able to get pregnant. I guess that's where faith comes in. God knows what's in your heart and I trust that He will bless you and Dan with a child of your own. I pray for it to be His will and until you receive that blessing, I do pray that He comforts you both and gives you peace. ((Hugs))

lovealways6565 said...

Shannon you will get through this! :) You faith and love will prevail. :) Keep your chin up chickie dee!! ((HUGS))

Ro said...

I'm so sorry, Shan. I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, there aren't any words I can say (write) that will make everything better. Just know that I'm praying for you, Hon. Prayer is a powerful thing, Shan, and your baby WILL come.