Monday, June 30, 2008

The Bucket List

Im super behind on movies. I normally dont see them until I can rent them or get them free from the library. So lame. Anyways, we watched "The Bucket List" yesterday. Overall, the movie is slow and predicatable but, of course, it got me thinking a bit.

The first thing I liked was this: Morgan Freeman's character claims that The Egyptians feel you are asked two questions before entering heaven. “Have you found joy in your life?” and “Has your life brought joy to others?” If I look at those questions, Im quick to answer "yes, of course, im oh-so-joyous" but when I think about it, Im not so sure. I do have joy but its often overshadowed by worry, stress and guilt. I want to have joy more often. The kind of joy where I laugh until I cry, or run through the grass without worrying about tracking dirt inside or turn off my cell phone (gasp) and just enjoy a day off of work without worrying about it.

Id also love to take more time to bring joy to others. I've done it. I've seen happiness on people's faces and have known that, even for one second, I helped to do that. But I want to do it more.

And then I thought about "A Bucket List" I started thinking about some of my goals. I have always wanted to run a marathon and I have always had a strong desire to learn sign language. These things are interesting accomplishments, but if I died tomorrow, would I regret not doing them? Probably not. So I need a "bucket list." I want to think of a few things that I need to do to make my mark on the time I have on Earth. So thats my goal. Make a list.

And to my blog readers, feel free to share whats on your "bucket list" Id love to know!

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." -Helen Keller

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My sister

So can I tell you how awesome my sister is? She is great. I was thinking about her today when I was wallowing in my own misery, AKA, my period.

My sister is a true testament to overcoming adversity. She was born 2.5 months early and was in the NICU for months. Because of how early she was born, she ended up being 50% deaf in each ear. Her each canals did not develop properly. So for the past 28 years of her life, she has struggled. She has struggled to hear. Struggled to speak properly. Struggled with those that made fun of her hearing aids. Struggled with everything.

Looking back, life was always pretty easy for me. Sure, I worked hard and not everything was handed to me but when I think about it, I have had a fortunate and rather easy life. And then I look at my sister, and things haven't been so easy. She's had to fight for everything she has. She has had to work very hard. And its been worth it for her- she has a great job, a great husband, a beautiful house. She speaks beautifully and if you didnt know her story, you wouldnt know about the tiny hearing aids she hides behind her beautiful hair.

But I know. And I respect her and I am proud of her. Because hs is amazing and she inspires me every day.

Oh and the pics below? Not from our finest moment. They are from her bachelorette party- after about 5 beers each. We are so klassy!

Monday, June 23, 2008

And finally, she arrives

I never thought I would complain about a long LP and really, Im not but GEEZ! 17 days is a long time to wait when you know at about 13 that its not going to happen (spotting, falling temps) Im thankful to have a healthy LP but I have to admit, I was starting to get frustrated.

Atleast now Im onto cycle 13. Oh, and a big fat glass of vino tonight. Love it!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Like clockwork

Man, my body has become predictable. Ovulation on the same day, extended LP, 30'ish day cycle. I guess thats good to have somewhat "normal" cycles.

The downside is that today, like clockwork, my temps dropped rather low. Coupled with the returned spotting and the fact that my period is due today, the outcome is inevitable. She will be here today.

I didnt even take a test. Why bother? Crying on the bathroom floor while clutching a stick I just peed on just didnt sound like fun today.

Oh and by the way, I am pissed off at Fertility Friend and charting in general. Why does my chart have to look so good? I would like to kick it in the face. It gives me hope and then nothing. Oh well.

Cycle 13 it is. Sounds like a lucky number, right?

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the
price to make them come true."
Leon J. Suenes

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

J&K+8 (take 2) and a decision

Its very important to me that I am careful of people's feelings. That being said, I would like to clarify my opinion about the Jon and Kate Plus 8 episode that I referenced below.

My opinion was this: I understand that to anyone TTC for a month or for years, it can seem like an eternity. But it simply didn't make sense to me that 6 months would be described as "hard work" when, as an IF couple, they know (and she does admit to knowing later) that most IF couples face more than 6 months of TTC.

All that aside, as woman TTC, whether it be with IF, without IF, with problems or without problems, we all struggle. And I would NEVER ever ever want to trivialize anyone's struggle. It breaks my heart to watch my friends try to get pregnant. I pray constantly for people in my life, people I have met on The Nest, people that I meet in passing that have shared their TTC stories with me. It would never be my intent to indicate that their struggle or journey isnt important.

Ok, enough on that. Thanks again for all the feedback on the blog, I appreciate it all.

And if you're still reading, Dan and I have made a decision. After discussing with my RE, we are postponing the lap procedure. Basically, the alternative option he gave me is to monitor me for 2 months to see if I ovulate on the un-blocked side. Im taking this option. I cant verbalize it properly right now, but I just am not ready for the lap. More to come on this.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Jon and Kate Plus 8

Let me start by saying, I love this show. Love the kids, think the mom is amazing for keeping it all together, what have you. But last night's episode kinda irritated me.

They did an episode about "life before the show" Basically told the story about how Jon and Kate met, how they got pregnant, etc. Although the part was short, they were open enough to share their "infertility story"

So here is their story, as presented, in summary:

1. Kate was diagnosed with PCOS
2. Started TTC in June
3. Went to a fertility doctor the following December (6 months later)
4. Did IUI the following month and they were pregnant by the end of February with the twins.

After Kate presented the story, she said "After all of our hard work, we finally had the most wanted babies ever"

I must be pretty PMS-y, because it irritated me. So you tried for 6 months and on your first IUI got pg? Tell me where the hard work is? There are woman out there who try for years, go through countless IUI's, numerous IVF' s and oftentimes are left without a baby. THOSE woman have had hard work.

Maybe there is part of the story they didnt share but the whole thing just struck me as obnxious. Dont get me wrong, I watched the rest of the episode and drooled over the cuteness that is the Gosselin children, but that part just got to me.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fathers Day and a Confession

I will start with the important part of my dual post, which is MY DAD. Here he is with my grandpa (at my sister's wedding) and then walking me down the aisle:

My dad means the world to me. He has always worked to give my sister, my mom and me a life that we could be proud of. He has taught me that what you want is worth working hard for. He has showed me that loving your family is all that matters in the end. So Happy Father's Day to my dad, I love him like crazy!

Now confession time. I took a HPT today. I know, I know. I am constantly telling others not to test early but I did. Im 9 DPO. It was negative. But I wanted to be able to tell Dan on Father's Day that he is going to be a daddy. So I guess I had good intentions. Forgive me?! :)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Pet Peeve

Dan and I just got home from grocery shopping. We like to go together, its our weird bonding time, but we've always done it. Anyways, while there, I have noted my #1 Pet Peeve- PEOPLE WHO JUST STAND THERE AND DONT HELP BAG THEIR GROCERIES.

We shop at a Giant Eagle, its a normal priced grocery store and close to our house so it works. Well sometimes, they have people that bag your stuff. But times are tough and apparently the baggers are the first ones to go because more often, I have noticed there aren't any. Which isn't a problem for us. If Im with Dan, he bags. If I run into the store to pick something else, I bag. Im physically able to do it plus, Im not lazy.

Case and point- Today, it was busy. It took us forever to shop and even longer to wait in line. In front of us were 5 people; 3 were couples like us, and then one guy and one woman. NONE of them helped bag their groceries. They stood there and watched the kid ring everything up and then continued to watch him bag. Why does this bother ME? Because I have to stand in a long line and watch while some 17 year old kid is trying to fit someone's $200 worth of groceries into bags while someone is telling him "watch my bread" or "can you double bag that"

If I were that kid, I'd tell the person to double bag it themselves! lol

Monday, June 9, 2008


So I am pretty happy because I have cross hairs! Here is my chart:

Why am I so excited? A couple reasons. I haven't charted in 2 months so I have not gotten to see them. Also, I had such a problem with ovulation before that so to actually SEE that I am O'ing on my own, its kind of a big deal. It makes me happy to know that I can O on my own and have been doing so for the past couple months.

I don't know what it is about this cycle, but I feel like its our turn. For the first time, I feel like its MY time to get a BFP. Im charting but still relaxed. I am using OPKs but not obsessed with when to have sex. We did it around O time, but it wasn't a chore. I just feel really good. Dan looked at me this AM after I took my temperature to confirm O and he said "I think this is it" Man, I sure hope he is right!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Sperm Analysis Part 2

The doctor called this morning and we got the results of Dan's SA. Everything looks great. He said that male infertility is not an issue for us. He has emailed me the results but Im not sure what all the numbers mean, I need to look at them more. But all I know is that Dan is fine!

I am really happy about this, actually thrilled. But it did make me feel a little more like a failure. So Dan is ok and its me. Im the reason we aren't pregnant. What am I doing wrong? Is it really the blockage that is causing the problem? Or is it just me. I know I have to be positive and having a pity party for one wont help, so Im not going to do it. Im just praying that God grants me the strength to not feel like a failure and offers me the chance to feel success.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Other Boleyn Girl

I picked up this book from the library after hearing how good the movie was. I am more of a "book girl" and I didnt want to see the movie and ruin the book for myself.

THIS BOOK IS AWESOME. Its full of history, which of course has been edited to make it more entertaining, but if you know anything about history, you will be able to follow a lot of the plot and compare to what really happened. The book is scandalous and racy in a way that is interesting- because it really happened. If you need a book to read, I highly recommend this one. I got it on Friday and am already on page 300 of 650, its that good!

Monday, June 2, 2008

A New Day

To preface- Celine Dion normally annoys me, not a huge fan. However, I was driving to work this AM and heard one of her songs on the radio. Here are the lyrics:

"A New Day Has Come"

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

A new day has... come

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

The song caught my attention. I looked into it a little more and apparently Celine Dion struggled with IF and got pregnant with IVF. I don't know anything about her story after that, but it helped me put the song into perspective. A New Day. It sounds nice and full of promise. One of the hardest things about struggling to conceive is the toll it puts on you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and heck, even financially. I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. But I also want a New Day. One where I dont wake up and take my temperature. One where I dont count cycle days in my head because Im nervous that I am missing my fertile time. One where the process of TTC does not consume my every day and sometimes even my every second. I still believe it will come. Call me crazy, overly optimistic, naive, or what have you. But I believe that my New Day will come, one way or another. And that gives me hope.