Sunday, November 30, 2008

Figuring it all out

I wanted to update after my "Sad Shannon" post the other day. I actually recovered fairly quickly from my pity party but its taken me a few more days to try to figure things out. I've really been thinking and praying about why I cant get my heart and head on the same page. I have been considering why I KNOW that God has a plan but then I continue to question the plan with my tears and my "poor me" attitude. I think, however, that I am starting to understand.

Things in my life have always come easily. I tried out for a team, I made it. I applied for a job, I got it. I wanted something, I bought it. Was I spoiled? Thats debatable. Because I have always been very greatful for my life. But my life hasnt been hard. I was always in control and I always got what I wanted.

For the first time in my life, I have faced an obstacle that I cant fix on my own. Trust me, I've tried. I've tried to control it by using any kind of TTC trick there is. I've charted, I've taken supplements, I've tried fertility teas, I've tried pre-seed. I've prayed every fertility prayer I could find. And none of it has worked. So at the end of each cycle, I feel like a failure. Because I cant do it.

But then it gets worse. Instead of trying fertility procedures, I have put up a wall around myself and have ceased any help. And I really think I have done this because I am so afraid of failing. I am so afraid that we will try fertility procedures and they wont work. And then where will I be?

In all honesty, I have not done everything I can be doing to make my TTC ok with me. I have run from the help. Most importantly, I have not turned it over to God. I say that I have, but I have only turned over part. The most important part, which is the part that bring me to my knees in tears, is the part that I still hold onto. I want to give this to God. I want him to know I cant do this without him. I want him to hold my soul in his hand and bring comfort. And I am starting to understand that this wont happen unless I release control of this. So I have changed my prayers. Instead of praying to be pregnant, I am praying to see God's will for Dan and me. I am praying for comfort and peace. And I am praying for the strength and courage to let go and allow God to have control.

To my friends, thank you. I appreciate your support, your encouragement and your friendship.

"You block your dreams when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Same old, same old

I will premise this post with the following: Im just sad today. I know I sound mopey and depressed and miserable and in all honesty, I am. But this to shall pass. Just realize I need to get some of this stuff out and in the end, I will be ok. I appreciate all the support from my friends. It means so much to me.

I took my temp this AM. (As a side note, I am quite aware that for someone who is not charting, I still take my temp alot. What can I say? Im obsessive) Anyways, it dropped. Like low enough to indicate only one thing. AF. And like clockwork, she just arrived. Actually, she arrived at the grocery store, which meant I had to hurry up and finish shopping so that I wouldnt throw something. Nice.

So why is today so rough? I dont know. Lets face it, I've been through this spectacle 17 other times. This is nothing new to me. Sometimes I take it better than others. Today, however, has been the worst. Maybe its the fact that this is the start of our year and a half of TTC? Maybe its because I am running out of time to get pregnant before 30? Maybe its because I feel so helpless and broken that I just cant stand to think about this anymore. Who knows. Whatever it is, I literally curled up in a ball and laid on the floor for 2 hours this AM. I could barely move. Blech.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I believe that God has a plan for me. I know these things in my head, I get it. I feel it. I trust it. But I dont always feel it in my heart. Its my heart that hurts when I watch another month end without a pregnancy. Its my heart that aches when I know that I cant yet have what I want so badly. I pray that my heart can catch up with my head and that I dont feel so much pain each month. I want to be patient and I do have faith, I just wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Thank you to all my friends who support me. Thank you for your calls, emails, kind words, blog comments. I have always said that I will never be able to thank you enough for supporting me. Thank you for not giving up on me. I promise, some day I will have baby news to share :)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. {Rom 5:3-5 NIV}

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Cleveland Browns and a TTC update

Dear The Cleveland Browns,

Hi, its me. I have watched you for almost 30 years now. When I was a kid, my sister and I would line up all of our pound puppies so that we could watch you play. As we got older, we made up cheers and yelled for you. Bernie Kosar- you were my idol. As I got even older, I drank many-a-beers watching you play on Sunday. For as long as I can remember, you have been my Sunday-staple. Even when mean ol' Art Model stole you away, I still relished the day that you would come back.

Now that you've been back for awhile, I have to get this off my chest. Can you just stop sucking so bad? Every Sunday I get up in anticipation of the game and each night I go to bed with the dread and despair that results from watching interception after interception and dropped pass after dropped pass. I just dont know how much more my heart can take.

Dawg Pound Love Forever,

SLG :)

Sorry, I really had to get that out. On the TTC front, I am around 13 DPO. No signs of that mean, miserable AF...yet. We'll see. Hope everyone is enjoying the begining of a short work week!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Reality TV and Just Me

I will admit it, I am a reality TV junkie. Big Brother, Project Runway, Real Wives of Orange County, Laguna Beach. You name it? I love it. Except...lately. I have noticed that here are some real trashy reality shows on. Im not saying that the ones I listed above don't have some "trash factor" to them but last night, I flipped through MTV and VH1 and came across the following:

1. Real Chance at Love
2. My New BFF (or some crap) with Paris Hilton.

Talk about hot mess. The first show is a spin off (surprise, surprise) of like 3 shows and although the original shows were a disaster, this one is just plain gross. Trust me. Its all booze and boobs combined into one half an hour train wreck. The second show is a bunch of girls vying to be best friends with Paris Hilton. Uhhh, why? Aside from money and popularity, that girl has the charisma of a box of rocks. After watching a mere 5 minutes of the show, I decided I am too old for this junk anymore. Have I come to the point where I prefer Foxnews over I Love New York? It would appear so.

You'll never guess who is in the 2 WW? Me. I kid, of course. But Im around 10 DPO today. We'll see how the next 4 days go.

Im gearing up for a weekend of football- Go Buckeyes and Brownies! Hope everyone has a good one!

"It is in the darkest sky that you can see the stars the clearest"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Winter and Phantom Symptoms

Apparently winter is showing up full force in NE Ohio. I have some likes and dislikes about it:

Dislike- Idiot drivers, skidding on ice, snow flattening my hair, dirty snow, freezing my butt off, scraping my windshield and gloves. I despise gloves. I cant hold my cell phone, I cant get my keys out of my bag, I cant do ANYTHING while wearing gloves. I hate, hate, hate them.

Likes- Ugg boots and blasting Christmas music. Ugg boots are a wonderful thing. They keep my feet warm and they are so comfy. Also, I blast Christmas music in my car from, well now until Christmas, especially when it starts snowing early.

Its currently snowing pretty heavy although we only have a couple inches. Im sure a few more will add up before tomorrow.

I have also decided what I hate worst about TTC. It has to be the phantom symptoms. Why must they mess with my head? This cycle (and mind you I cant be more than like 8 DPO) I have sharp pains in my boobs and cramps. I'd like to think Im not making this stuff up but ya know what? I dont know anymore. Maybe I do make it up. Honestly, I wouldnt put it past me :)

Hope everyone is enjoying their week!

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrow like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul"

Friday, November 14, 2008

Yeah, thats Faith

I saw this graphic today and I wanted to share it:

Believing in God when he is silent and does not seem to answer prayers is one of the hardest things I have been through. There have been many times when I have literally been down on my knees, crying in prayer and asking God to bless me with a pregnancy. And when it doesn't happen, I have wanted to yell out "Why NOT me?!" But through those tears and frustration, I have learned that God's plan for Dan and I is greater than I could imagine. As hard as it is sometimes, I will continue to be patient and understand that THERE IS A REASON.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Know God. Love God. Trust God.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I have been trying to take it easy this month on the TTC front and give Dan and myself a break from the CONSTANT TTC chatter. Overall, its going good. I forgot what cycle day I was on several times and I have slept better without having to worry about getting up to take my temperature. But all of this RELAXING also made me O late. Like 5 days later than my average and 2 days later than my latest Clomid ovulation day. So I dont know what the heck that means but maybe my body is freaked out without the stress. Who knows.

Oh and how do I know I ovulated? Well I got a + OPK (no, I could not give those up. They are therapeutic and I love them) Aside from the + OPK, I also took my temp. 2 times. I know, I know but I needed some kind of confirmation. That means that as of today, I am 2 DPO. Which means that at Thanksgiving, I will either be secretly celebrating a BFP or drinking too much wine. Lets hope Im not drinking!

Thank you for all of your kind words or support and encouragement yesterday. Your words lifted me up when I felt sad and I appreciate them.

I hope everyone is having a good week!

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:24

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A memory

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my uncle Rob's passing. Its still hard for me to believe he is gone. He was my only uncle, my dad's only brother. He passed away at age 50, on his wedding anniversary, of a heart attack. My family was so distraught and although a year has passed, the pain is still there.

Here is a picture of my dad, Grandpa and Uncle Rob (left) This was taken in September at my sister's rehearsal dinner, 2 months before he passed.
Tomorrow will be a hard day, especially for my aunt and my dad and grandpa. I pray that they find some comfort and continued strength.

"Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Brighter Days

Its time for the newest installment of "Shannon's song of the week"

This song is from the movie "Fireproof" (which I STILL haven't seen, ugh!) But someone told me about the song today and I love it. Here is the first verse:

"Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday I’ll be who I want to be
For now I’ll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now I’ll wait
For the rain to pass away"

I have realized that as much as I want to forget about it and relax, my journey to become a mother is a huge part of who I am. And thats ok, as long as I still find happiness in life. And I am, so thats good :)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Time to grow up?

I will be 30 in less than 3 months, so is it time to grow up? You be the judge. Here is what I did today.

A couple days ago, I ordered the Twilight boxed set from Amazon (Indication numeral uno that I might need to grow up, IMO) Anyways, I get an email yesterday that my order should be delivered today. I proceed to talk about Edward, Bella, Forks and the arrival of my books all last night.

Our mail comes around noon. So around 11:30, I begin to watch for the mailman. Promptly at noon (lucky for him he wasnt late) he pulls up in front of our house. The moment I see him reach for the box which can only contain my beloved books, I bolt. Yes, I push my dear husband out of the way and run down the driveway. I then grab the box out of his hand, run back up the driveway and leave the mailman standing there, with the rest of our mail. Dan has to come down to get it and then he and the mailman proceed to watch me yell "Twilight is here, Woohoo!"

So do I need to grow up? Or do I simply need a life? Its a tough call. In the meantime, Im going to be re-reading the greatest young adult series since, well, The Babysitter's Club. *sigh*

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

More Good News

I love getting good news!

First, My friend Christina has her baby at 1:01 this AM. Her name is Cailin May and I am sure she is just as beautiful as her mom and sister, Alli. What a blessing!

Second, a friend from The Nest (who shall remain nameless because I dont know who she has told yet) emailed me yesterday to say she got her BFP. They were in their 12th cycle of TTC and had just found out they wouldnt have any IF benefits on their new insurance plan. Talk about an answer to their prayers.

Congrats to both girls and their families!

On my end, Im sure I will be ovulating soon based on past cycles. I gotta say, I love not knowing for sure. It just isnt on my mind and although we are still trying to get pregnant, of course, it just doesnt consume my every minute. I hope everyone is having a good week!

"All great achievements require time."
- Maya Angelou

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Election Part 2 and Forgiveness

Well Election 2008 is over, finally. No more political phone calls or flyers in my mailbox, im excited!

I am dissapointed that McCain/Palin did not win but I will fully put my support behind Obama. As a citizen of this great country, I have to trust that he will really bring forth the CHANGE that he has promised. I can only HOPE that our nation will be a better nation then it is today. So we'll see how the next 4 years go!

In other news, Dan and I are taking this class at church based on the book "Love and Respect" (which I will summarize in another month, at the end of the class- its so good!) Anyways, the couple who teaches the class sent out an email link today to an article on forgiveness and I just wanted to share it. Here is the article:

I thought this article was great so I wanted to pass it on!

Finally, Id like to share a quick story of how God answers our prayers. I have a great friend who has been trying to get pregnant for awhile. Her and her husband have been praying about this and have been trying to figure out what to do. The other day, she got a call that a young girl was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. My friend went and met with the mother and the mother has picked her and her husband to be her baby's parents. Talk about how great is our God! My friend is going to be a wonderful mom and I cant wait to see it happen!

Have a great day :)

Monday, November 3, 2008

Goodreads and The Election

I have been meaning to give this shout out for awhile. If you like to read AND are anal like me and want to keep track of the books you have read (and need to read), then check out Its so cool!

I love this site, even though I have only been using it for a couple months. Im still working on getting all the books I have read on it but mostly use it to keep track of the books I want to read. To me, there is nothing better than reading AND being organized about it. Im in love. Oh, and if you're interested, here is my personal Goodreads page. You should be able to see what I have read and want to read.

About the election, Im not going to get all political and ramble about my views and why people should vote one way or the other. But I am going to say, PLEASE VOTE. No matter who you vote for, its such a privilege to be able to do be able to, so get out and do it! Although I wont go on about my views, I will say this: Go McCain! Thats all :)

Surgery Update

Well I am writing this update from the hospital waiting room. My mom just got out of surgery for the hysterectomy. The doctor came out to talk to us and everything went great. The cancer has not spread (that she could see) and it looks like the surgery was a success. I wept with joy when the doctor told us everything looked good, its just such a relief.

Thanks you all for your continual prayers. I appreciate them always!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

See ya later, Fertility Friend!

I've decided Im just plain old sick of Fertility Friend. And charting in general. My charts always look like they should be in the "BFP Hall of Fame." Seriously. Each cycle, they are triphasic, I have implantation dips, I have a decent LP. I always think "this has GOT to be it, who has a chart that looks like this and DOESNT get a BFP?" (I clearly have a mind lapse at that point because the correct answer would be ME!)

So anyways, I am parting ways with FF and charting. Sure, I might come crawling back to it in a couple months but I started thinking about it, and why NOT take a break?! I know I ovulate, I know my LP is fine and we always have good timing. Im just tired of taking my temp every day, running to plug it into the computer and then staring (sometimes for hours) at my chart and the chart gallery to compare. Its a sickness and right now, Its just not worth it for me.

I hope everyone is having a great Saturday!