Sunday, November 30, 2008

Figuring it all out

I wanted to update after my "Sad Shannon" post the other day. I actually recovered fairly quickly from my pity party but its taken me a few more days to try to figure things out. I've really been thinking and praying about why I cant get my heart and head on the same page. I have been considering why I KNOW that God has a plan but then I continue to question the plan with my tears and my "poor me" attitude. I think, however, that I am starting to understand.

Things in my life have always come easily. I tried out for a team, I made it. I applied for a job, I got it. I wanted something, I bought it. Was I spoiled? Thats debatable. Because I have always been very greatful for my life. But my life hasnt been hard. I was always in control and I always got what I wanted.

For the first time in my life, I have faced an obstacle that I cant fix on my own. Trust me, I've tried. I've tried to control it by using any kind of TTC trick there is. I've charted, I've taken supplements, I've tried fertility teas, I've tried pre-seed. I've prayed every fertility prayer I could find. And none of it has worked. So at the end of each cycle, I feel like a failure. Because I cant do it.

But then it gets worse. Instead of trying fertility procedures, I have put up a wall around myself and have ceased any help. And I really think I have done this because I am so afraid of failing. I am so afraid that we will try fertility procedures and they wont work. And then where will I be?

In all honesty, I have not done everything I can be doing to make my TTC ok with me. I have run from the help. Most importantly, I have not turned it over to God. I say that I have, but I have only turned over part. The most important part, which is the part that bring me to my knees in tears, is the part that I still hold onto. I want to give this to God. I want him to know I cant do this without him. I want him to hold my soul in his hand and bring comfort. And I am starting to understand that this wont happen unless I release control of this. So I have changed my prayers. Instead of praying to be pregnant, I am praying to see God's will for Dan and me. I am praying for comfort and peace. And I am praying for the strength and courage to let go and allow God to have control.

To my friends, thank you. I appreciate your support, your encouragement and your friendship.


"You block your dreams when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"

19 comments:

James said...

This may all sound cliche or whatever, but I was in the same situation. I thought I was giving it up to God, but I was still holding on to a part that I couldn't let go of. Finally, just like you said, I started praying differently. I prayed for God's will instead of my own. I prayed that He be with me and comfort me and teach me from all of it. When I changed it from me to Him, He blessed us with the gift we had been waiting for. I'm going through the trust and faith lesson again with the spotting, but I trust His will and have faith that He is with us and everything will be ok. I think this is a constant lesson for us all. I do honestly believe there is a little baby He is going to bless you and Dan with. Don't give up HOPE!!! Lots of HUGS!!!

jbwife said...

Shannon, I'm such a goof. That was from me, I just didn't notice I was under hubby's account!

Carly said...

Shan- I have tears in my eyes for you right now. You are doing everything you can, and anyone who knows you and has followed your journey has no doubt of your faith and belief in God- and I believe God has no doubt in it either. You are such a strong, spiritual, beautiful woman inside and out- who is so open with her feelings. We are all praying for you.

It WILL happen for you- I don't know how, I don't know when, but I have faith that it will

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20

Mary said...

Oh Shannon... I've been where you are and I've said all the same prayers you most likely say. I've had those same tears in my eyes. In the end, I have given it up to god. I will continue to do my part of course, but the real work is in God's hands. One way or another it WILL happen for the both of us. I wish I coul give you a great big hug. Hang in there babe.

Kristin (kekis) said...

Sorry, but you can't be a control freak. That's my title. ;)

It's SO hard to just go with God's plan when you want something so badly. I waited over 35 years to meet Todd, and it happened after I started changing the way I prayed to God. I asked that His will be done, and that He lead me to where I need to go. I hope that God leads you in the path to having a baby soon.

I know it's hard. It's okay to have those pity party days (you know I've had my share). Just make sure you force yourself to have some good days in between.

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

I know exactly how you feel - about life coming easy until TTC. I felt the same way and that's why I said, ok, it's time to get help. I know we didn't end up needing the help we sought after, but at one point I just said to myself, "ok, we need help and we need to look at our options". We went to the doctor to start our plan and also started looking into adoption - researching the various countries and laws. I remember feeling very reassured by my doctor when he told me it was his job to get me pregnant, too. It really relieved a lot of the stress I was going through at that time - to know I had someone else that was going to work on this with me. Don't be afraid to reach out for help and remember we are all here for you, too! HUGS!!!

Z said...

Shan, your posts always make me cry. If there was anything, any of us could do, we would. You are so strong and loved. We're all here for you. We all love you.

Molly said...

I think one of the toughest parts of TTC is letting go of the control. Like you, things often came easy to me because I was able to control the situation (being prepared, qualified, etc), so this journey has been a bit of a challenge. I have no doubt in my mind that this WILL happen for you, and I hope that God is able to calm your worries and ease your mind about all of this.

Tara said...

Shannon,
I hope that your faith gets you through this time and that you soon get the answers that you seek. I know that this will happen for you when and how it is supposed to. I often think that way when I am having a tough time thinking about TTC. Take Care!

Mel said...

shannon, you always wow me by somehow putting into such eloquent words the thoughts and confusion in my own mind. as a classic type a control freak, aknowledging that i was not in control of the ttc process was the hardest for me. still is. i'm not halfway to where you are. i try daily. i pray that i will stop blaming myself or the world and simply be at peace with god's greater plan. it's one of the hardest things i have ever done.

god bless you both...i have all the faith in the world that it will happen for you.

AMG said...

Shannon, I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. I truly admire you and believe that God has a wonderful plan in store for you.

Sarah said...

Although I can't relate to your specific situation, I know about the frustration of things being so difficult to fix, when you are always the person who can do everything! When Ted was sick, and it had gone on for over a year, and he was finally in a coma - the docs told me to prepare myself for the fact that he wasn't going to make it. I fixated on, "Why me?" and praying for Ted to get well. It had been such a long and emotional road, and to be standing at what looked like the end with such a bleak outcome...I was angry. I finally reached the point of desparation and turned the problem over - accepting that there was nothing that I could do to help and I just prayed for the strength to accept what lay ahead. It is so wonderful that they were able to diagnose him and give him a good life, but I still have my moments of despair when I just wonder why we are the ones that have to go through this suffering (medicines, bad episodes, medical bills) and other people don't have to know what this is like. I truly have found that the only way to accept it is to pray for the strength to deal with what lies ahead. Take care!

Ro said...

Oh hon, I know how hard it is to give up "control" over something that you want so badly. Even though we know it's the right thing to do, it's WAY easier said than done, but I am proud of you for having the strength to to it. I will be praying for you and YH, that God's will may be done and that He will give you love, peace, comfort, and the desires of your heart.

Love you, Shannie.

Bliss04 said...

wow, shannon, that was amazing to read. it made me tear up a bit. but you are right, no matter what the subject, you need to turn it over to God 100%. i envy your ability to bring God into your life as much as you do, it's something i need to work on.

Sarah said...

Hey sweetie, I totally understand. Growing up, I was an overachiever so anything I worked for, I got. The first time I realized in life that hardwork isn't a guarantee anymore, I was devastated. It's hard to wrap your head around, so just make sure you lean on us to help you out. xoxo Sniff

goeckie said...

You are an amazing person.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this Shannon. I cried after reading this post - because this so rang true for me. I went home and told DH about your post. I've always gotten the jobs I wanted and the things I've gone after...and this is my struggle. Thank you so much, you've truly opened my eyes.

lovealways6565 said...

Shannon I know that this has been a very long road for you. I know ive said it a million times but you've got to just let it go and let God handle the situation! I am here sweetie if you need any help or just need to talk!

Elisa said...

You seriously never cease to amaze me with your words and your heart. Shannon, Ii can honestly say you are one of the most amazing and inspiring people i've ever "met". God will bless you and Dan with a baby. I just know it. We're all here for you and pray for the day when you become a Mommy. Lots and lots of HUGS!