Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Same old, same old

I will premise this post with the following: Im just sad today. I know I sound mopey and depressed and miserable and in all honesty, I am. But this to shall pass. Just realize I need to get some of this stuff out and in the end, I will be ok. I appreciate all the support from my friends. It means so much to me.

I took my temp this AM. (As a side note, I am quite aware that for someone who is not charting, I still take my temp alot. What can I say? Im obsessive) Anyways, it dropped. Like low enough to indicate only one thing. AF. And like clockwork, she just arrived. Actually, she arrived at the grocery store, which meant I had to hurry up and finish shopping so that I wouldnt throw something. Nice.

So why is today so rough? I dont know. Lets face it, I've been through this spectacle 17 other times. This is nothing new to me. Sometimes I take it better than others. Today, however, has been the worst. Maybe its the fact that this is the start of our year and a half of TTC? Maybe its because I am running out of time to get pregnant before 30? Maybe its because I feel so helpless and broken that I just cant stand to think about this anymore. Who knows. Whatever it is, I literally curled up in a ball and laid on the floor for 2 hours this AM. I could barely move. Blech.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I believe that God has a plan for me. I know these things in my head, I get it. I feel it. I trust it. But I dont always feel it in my heart. Its my heart that hurts when I watch another month end without a pregnancy. Its my heart that aches when I know that I cant yet have what I want so badly. I pray that my heart can catch up with my head and that I dont feel so much pain each month. I want to be patient and I do have faith, I just wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Thank you to all my friends who support me. Thank you for your calls, emails, kind words, blog comments. I have always said that I will never be able to thank you enough for supporting me. Thank you for not giving up on me. I promise, some day I will have baby news to share :)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. {Rom 5:3-5 NIV}

24 comments:

Tara said...

Oh Shannon, I really thought this was it for you and have been looking for an update all day. I'm sorry that this is the news you had to share.
I hope that you are able to share a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.
I'm thinking of you!

Laura said...

I'm sorry Shannon. I was so hopefully for this month for you.

I'm praying daily that God blesses you with the baby you want and deserve.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Laura (hula_lula)

Niki said...

awe, shannon.. i'm soo soo sorry.. i, too, was thinking this was it for you after your last email..
enjoy some wine with the turkey tomorrow! ((HUGS))

AMG said...

Shannon I am so sorry. I got tears in my eyes reading your blog. You deserve a baby so badly and I was really hoping that this would be your month. I admire your strength and perseverance. ((HUGS))

Scullyhoyy said...

I am so sorry Shannon. ((hugs))
Enjoy lot's of wine & turkey tomorrow sweets.

Mary said...

Oh sweetie... I know the pain. I wish I could give you a great big hug. You know I'm here if you need anything.

Elisa said...

oh, my dear shannon...i'm so very sorry. my heart swells with love and hope for you. one day you're going to make the most amazing mommy. have a wonderful t'giving!

mtendere said...

It's just not fair, is it? I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and I completely understand how you can know something in your head, but not feel it in your heart, at least not all of the time. God has an amazing way of redeeming the most difficult circumstances. I pray that you will experience that very soon.

Danse said...

I'm so sorry.
::hugs::

rls07 said...

Shannon I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm literally crying for you right now. I was so full of hope for you this cycle but I will carry that hope until you get your BFP like you deserve. Hugs sweetie!!!

Nichole said...

Shannon I am so so sorry! I will continue to pray for you and the baby that you deserve!!
Have some wine and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, hon. I prayed for you last night and I will keep on praying for you until your day comes. I know it will.

((((BIG HUGS))))
Alicea

Molly said...

Oh, Shan. I'm so sorry.

Lindsey said...

So I'm totally crying right now, I hate that you are hurting so much. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, your biggest cheerleader, always praying and thinking of you. I know this is going to happen for you, but gosh darn it I wish it would happen soon.
I love you babe.

Z said...

Shann, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes we deserve a two hour cry. I hope that it will be your last. I love you hun.

MUAH! I hope you got nice and drunk tonight.

goeckie said...

(((HUGS)))

I hope that next month He brings a new path for you.

Silvina said...

Oh Shannon I'm SO sorry. ((HUGS)) I just got back from NY and wanted to see your updates. I'm thinking of you hun. I hope you had a nice day yesterday.

flojat said...

((hugs)) I love ya, girl. We'll get there, eventually.

Melissa said...

I am so friggin pissed at AF...I prayed for you and will continue to pray.

Melissa said...

I am so friggin pissed at AF. I prayed for you and will continue to pray for your success.

Mel said...

oh hon, i am so sorry. i know you are in pain right now and trying to be brave, but let yourself have your moments -- it's theraputic in a way.

i am so amazed by you and your strength and patience, and faith. i truly consider you an inspiration, and pray that you are blessed with what you so obviously deserve.

hugs!

Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry Shannon. ::big hugs::

Audrey said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I love you so much, and I pray every day that your day will come.

Your strength and faith inspire me.

Ro said...

Shan, I'm so sorry. There is not much that I can say to make it better, but I just want you to know that I'm praying for you.

((BIG HUGS)) and lots of love.