Saturday, May 31, 2008

A year in the life...

Im doing this today because I promised Dan I wouldn't do it tomorrow. We have decided that tomorrow is going to be about hope and faith and not about pity and sorrow so Im getting it out of my system now.

We started TTC one year ago tomorrow. June 1st. I have known for a couple weeks that this day is coming (Im mean, come on, I have a calendar people!) but I just recently started thinking of this past year and it amazes me all that has changed. I got my MBA, my sister got married, my cousin had her baby, my one and only uncle in the whole world passed away, the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing came and went, a whole bunch of my friends got pregnant, I got promoted at work and now here we are again.

One year. I feel like so much has changed, except the one thing I wanted to change. Im not pregnant and it hurts. It hurts deep into my heart and sometimes I just cant control the pain, it eats at me. I feel like a failure as a woman and has a wife. Didn't God put us here to reproduce? Well then why cant I get it to happen? And Dan and I talked before we were married (hell, before we were engaged) about having kids. It was (and still is) one of the reasons I love him- he adores kids. But I feel like I am failing him. He deserves to be a father and it pains me that I cant seem to make it happen.

I have started keeping the blinds closed to my office at home. Because when they are open, I can see my neighbor, who is pregnant with #2, play with her son. I used to love watching a mother play with her children. Now it makes me sad, angry, frustrated and defeated in one moment. I need to find a way to get passed that, but I suppose thats for another blog. And another day.

Thank you all for listening, reading and being there for me. Each one of you comfort me, support me, inspire me and guide me in ways that I can never explain and I am forever grateful.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sperm Analysis Part 1

Today was the day, Dan's SA. Our doctor is nice enough to let him to it in the comfort of our home. Here are some of the highlights:

1. Dan just wasn't overly excited about doing his business in a cup. So I left him in the house and sat in the car, in the garage, with the motor running, as to not disturb him

2. When he was done, he ran the cup out to me, I barely said thanks and then peeled out of the driveway. Why? Because you only have freaking 30 minutes to get the thing to the hospital. Geez!

3. I somehow get behind every slow person on the road. And of course I would, I have a cup of sperm that I have tucked into my waistband to keep it warm

4. I have a HORRIBLE gag reflex. As I am driving, I realize that I have a cup of sperm in under my shirt. It starts making me sick and I gag the rest of the way to the hospital

5. I pull in with 5 minutes to spare and literally have to book it into the hospital, up the stairs and into the lab. I pretty much push someone out of the way because I have a "time sensitive specimen" that needs attention

6. The woman that checks me in says SPERM about 20 times in her convo to me. So much for HIPPA regulations. Everyone in that room knew I brought in a cup of my husbands stuff for analysis.

And now the wait begins. By this time next week, we should have the results. Pray for lots of well shaped, highly mobile swimmers!

Monday, May 26, 2008

"An Inconvenient Truth" and my journey to becoming "Green"





Have you seen "An Inconvenient Truth" which is Al Gore's account of global warming? Yeah, its pretty amazing. I saw it and it inspired me. I have decided that Dan and I are lazy about being more green, we literally do nothing to protect the Earth. And its a shame because alot of the things you can do are easy. So we made a list and here it is:

1. Recycle- Sounds easy, right? We started today and we were able to separate ALL of our garbage into recyclables. It felt good

2. Use canvas bags- I counted 79 plastic bags in one large bag in our pantry. Ya know, you go to the grocery store and come home with all of your stuff in bags and then save them. We had 79. Im recycling the plastic ones and buying all canvas. I have a couple canvas bags but normally only use them to be "cute" at Trader Joes. No more though. We are using canvas

3. Changing all light bulbs to CFL bulbs- More expensive but they have a life 10 times as long as regular bulbs AND they use alot less energy

So those are our first 3. Other ones I would like to consider are switching to organic cleaning supplies and (once we have kids) using cloth diapers.

I know the list is small right now, but its a start. Im open for other suggestions so feel free to offer them up.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

She came and I cried

I got my period last night. There was no warning spotting just all of a sudden, she was here. Dan and I were installing a new range hood in our kitchen when I realized. I excused myself and after I didn't come back for 30 minutes, he came to find me. I tried so hard not to, I really did, but I just started crying. Not like a sweet, quiet crying either. I cried so hard that my body hurt.

When I was done, Dan and I sat and talked and prayed together. I feel better in some weird way, like the crying was a release of emotions that I have been holding in. But in the back of my head, the words "One year" keep flashing in my mind. One year of trying. One year of hoping. One year of planning. One year of being disappointed. Do we have the courage to go another year or more? I then thought if this quote:

"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." -Euripides


By unflinchingly (which is an awkward word but hey, the guy was old and Greek, give him a break,haha) I think he means without wavering in your faith and in your trust. So this is my goal. To be courageous and continue to fight this battle of TTC. Its not easy, but Im going to do it.

Friday, May 23, 2008

"The Year of Living Biblically"

I am currently reading this book by A.J. Jacobs. The book is funny, humbling and inspirational, I really like it. Almost right off the bat, the author talks about his and his wife's struggle with infertility. Although he shares his personal journey, he also relates it back to the bible. Here is an excerpt from his book:

"Conception was a huge preoccupation of the ancients. If you think about it, many of the Bible's most famous stories center on the quest to get pregnant. Abraham and Sarah probably had the hardest time conceiving of anyone in the Bible, if not history. At one point, the seemingly barren Sarah became so distraught, she lent her Egyptian handmaiden to Abraham as a concubine. That union produced Ishmael, the forefather of Islam. A few verses later, God and two angels visited Abraham and Sarah's tent and announced that Sarah would soon be pregnant. Sarah's reaction? She laughed, presumably with skepticism. In her defense, she was ninety years old. But God fulfilled his promise, and the nonagenarian matriarch gave birth to Isaac — Hebrew for "he will laugh."

And then there's Rachel. Rachel and her older sister Leah were both married to the clever shepherd (and my namesake) Jacob. Leah was a procreation machine — giving birth to no fewer than six sons and a daughter. But Rachel remained childless and heartbroken. At one point she said to Jacob, "Give me children or I shall die!" Another time, Rachel bought some mandrakes from her sister — mandrakes are a Mediterranean herb once thought to be an infertility cure. But it was to no avail. Finally God "opened Rachel's womb," and she gave birth to Joseph, he of the multicolored coat.

There is an upside to the Bible's infertility motif: The harder it was for a woman to get pregnant, the greater was the resulting child. Joseph. Isaac. Samuel (whose mother pledged her son to God as thanks for the conception). These are some of the giants of the Hebrew Scriptures."

Greater the resulting child? I can handle that. Something about this info gives me peace. I think its reassurance that the result is more than worth the struggle.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I hate to be blue...

I woke up today with period cramps and just the overall feeling that she is coming. Which would make sense. She is supposed to be here on Friday and today is 2 days earlier so, yeah. This has happened to me so many months, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Each month I deal with it a bit differently, sometimes better, but it just never gets easier. Today my heart aches. This cycle was my last shot to get pregnant before my dreaded one year TTC anniversary. I just didnt want to have to tell people "Oh, I've been trying for one year" Because then they say "A year, oh my gosh, thats long, have you been to the doctor, blah, blah"

And so I digress. Bring on cycle 12. And lets hope its my cycle!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dear Husband

Its important to preface this post with the following: I love my husband. I really do. He is a fantastic man. Sometimes, however, he drives me nuts.

Example: We got Outback last night for dinner. We picked it up and ate at home. Our meals were so big that we each had a large salad left over. Since Im always trying to get out of making dinner I say to him "Awesome, lets save the salads for tomorrow and eat them for dinner" My husbands response "Great idea"

Fast forward to the morning. He leaves for work before me. I got into the kitchen and open the fridge. One of the salads- Gone. Not to mention it was MY salad (the Caesar salad) At this point, I am moderately irritated but Im ok. Im thinking "I'll show him. Im going to eat the OTHER salad for dinner and he can eat cereal for all I care" That is, until I see IT. What is the IT? Well you know how salads at restaurants come with the dressing in little tubs. Well those tubs were sitting on top of the salads, one which my husband took to work. Instead of moving the tubs, he just yanked his salad out and shut the door. So now, both tubs are completely spilled ALL OVER THE FRIDGE. Like on every condiment. Inside the 12 pack of pop. Down all the cracks and crevices. Oh yeah, he got it good. I spend a good 40 minutes detailing the fridge. And then I had to put in something ELSE for dinner because Im a good wife like that.

I didn't even mention the salad when he got home. He didn't remember it either because he said "Sweet, you made ribs. I didnt know we were having ribs?!" Uh yeah, we weren't but...forget it.

He's mine, ladies. All mine. But I do love him. He just doesn't always make it easy on me!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Prayer

2 posts in one day. I know, I need a life. But this one actually has some meaning. Actually, spiritual meaning. Yeah, so its important.

Yesterday in church, the message was:

"Prayer should never be your last resort, it should be your first response"

I like this and feel I have a lot to learn from it. I often use prayer as my "last resort" I'd be sitting at my desk, ready to take my MBA final and the prayers would start flowing. Or its two minutes before a presentation and I choose that moment to start asking for God's strength. What if instead of that, Id establish a relationship of prayer. Not just praying when I need something, but praying to be thankful, praying to show God the love, praying to help those around me. But instead, I do what most people do. I pray just when I need help. I dont want to be that person. I want to stop and pray throughout the day and not just always for me. I want to pray for others in a way that is heartfelt and selfless and let God answer those prayers in the way he sees fit.

This stupid month

I have considered myself an "expert" (of course I am using this term loosely) on determining when I am ovulating. Well guess what? I think I screwed up this cycle. Dang it.

Since I am not charting or using OPKs, I had to rely on my CM, my CP and my O pains. Well here is the scoop:

CD 13- EWCM and some O pains. Cervix was SHOW.
CD 14-15- Same symptoms continued and O pains got a bit stronger
CD 16- EWCM and all CM are gone, Cervix is still SHOW but hey, it will change soon, right?
CD 19- Dan I decide to ix-nay the ex-say. We need a break. And hey, I O'd on CD 15-16 so we deserve a rest.
CD 22- still negatory on the sex but I start getting creamy CM. Not EWCM by any means but creamy. This happens sometimes after O. No biggy. But I check my cervix, and its still soft and open. WTF? here is the problem-o, we dont have sex. Im still tired, so is Dan
CD 26- yesterday. I check my cervix and WTF, it is NOW closed and hard.

So I think I O'd later. And If I DID O later, We missed it this month. Son of a monkey. Im so irritated. Who knows. Maybe I didnt miss it. I guess I would know this better if I charted but of course Im so stubborn and wont chart "I need the break, its so relaxing, blah, blah" UGH!

Here becomes the second problem. If I DID O later, do I still test this Saturday which is my LATE day based on my regular O time. Oh good lord, I dont know. To be continued...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I hate when it rains on Saturday

It should be against the law to rain on a Saturday. I work all week and its beautiful. I get to one of my two days off for the entire week, and it rains. Suck-o. So instead of being outside and enjoying the beautiful weather, I am inside and bored. So bored that I am making Dan take me to dinner, which is what we will be doing shortly.

On a brighter note, two good things have happened this weekend. First is that THE CAVS won last night. I heart them. I actually love all Cleveland sports. I grew up loving them and always will. Im such a Cleveland girl at heart. The second is that I watched "Jane Austen Book Club" today. The movie itself was so-so but since I LOVE Jane Austen, I really enjoyed the movie. The parallels to events in her books were creative and somewhat funny. If you are looking for a light romantic comedy OR if you love any of the Jane Austen books, I highly recommend this movie.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

Friday, May 16, 2008

TTC Info

I have alot of TTC info. Like on my computer, I folders saved and favorites galore of TTC links and articles. Not a few. More like hundreds. For your viewing pleasure, here is some of that info:

1. This is a common one. I post this, oh, about once a day.

HPT Accuracy Results Percentages: (Based on a 25mIU sensitive test)
10 dpo : 35%
11 dpo : 51%
12 dpo : 62%
13 dpo : 68%
14 dpo : 74%
15 dpo : 80%
16 dpo : 88%
17 dpo : 92%

2. This is not so common, but helpful. Not all HPTs work the same, some are more sensitive than others:

http://www.peeonastick.com/hpts.html


3. What drugs are safe while pg (or TTC)? Ask your doctor first but you can always check here:

http://www.safefetus.com/


Those will be my 3 helpful links for the day. There will be more. I know you are excited :)

The Office

The season 4 finale for The Office was on last night. I have to say that although the season itself was not as funny as seasons 2 or 3, last night's episode was hysterical. Some of my fave quotes:

Michael Scott: Thanks to Toby I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like ET. Is Holly our extra-terrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.

Michael Scott: Hey! What the hell! Is going on here! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going away gift?
Dwight Schrute: You did.
Michael Scott: No!
Dwight Schrute: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line--

Those two parts were HYSTERICAL. Also, whats up with Andy proposing to Angela? He is so skeevy. And it threw off Jim's proposal, which actually made me happy. I want to see him propose but after that happens, then what? I guess we could be excited about a wedding but, I dont know. I like wondering whats going to happen with them. Well I guess it will be a long summer as I wait to find out. And until then, atleast I have the DVD's of the past seaons.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Going Public?

So my blog is quite boring now. It only has 2 posts (well 3 if you count today) And the first two could actually have been 1 but I got distracted and entered them separately. BUT, I am thinking of blogging more and might go public. I know, big deal, right? My first step would be posting it in my profile on my second home, The Nest. I love the girls there. They are so supportive and funny and it makes me feel good to be able to share some of the TTC tidbits that I have acquired over the last 12 months. So thats that. I think Im going to do it. Go Public, that is. Oh how exciting my life is!

Ok, onto something new. I saw this quote today:

"Where there is a great love there are always miracles." -Willa Cather

It made me think of me and Dan. I look at him each day and fall in love with him over and over. I truly believe that our love for one another will stand any test, including our struggles to conceive. And through that love and that struggle, we will find our baby. And it will be a miracle.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Where I am in the TTC process

2 posts in one day? Riveting, I know.

Here is my TTC status as of May 2008


June 2007- Started TTC
November 2007- discovered ovulation issue via bloodwork. All other levels OK
January-March 2008- Took 3 rounds of Clomid. Ovulated all 3 times but BFN
May 2008- HSG revealed one clear tube 100% and one blocked tube, possibly blocked at 100%
May 2008- Pending results from SA

So THIS is blogging?

I have been thinking for awhile that I need a blog. I clearly have some feelings and thoughts that build up inside of me with no where to go. This became apparent to me today when I had a full blown conversation, with myself. It was like 10 minutes. We (which would be, um, me and well, me) discussed my issues with fertility. When the conversation ended (thank god) I realized that I need a blog as an outlet. Then, if at least ONE person reads it, I wont be crazily talking to myself all day.

My blog will focus mainly on my TTC journey. Unfortunately, that journey is well under way. My husband Dan and I decided over a year ago that we were ready for children and started the process on June 1, 2007. Fast forward almost a year, and we are still trying.

Thanks to anyone who reads my blog. I hope that in addition to getting out some of my frustrations, I can also share my TTC knowledge. I know alot of random crap about TTC and am more than happy to help anyone that needs it.