Thursday, August 28, 2008

There is a reason

I have come to realize that I am easily moved by music. I oftentimes find songs that I identify with and songs that inspire me. In church last Sunday, I was brought to full tears by this song. Some of the tears came from my struggle to get pregnant but many of the tears come from other questions in my life that I dont have answers to. As I listened to the lyrics and prayed with all I am to God, I again found comfort. And I felt his love, it felt good. Here are the lyrics and the actual video. The song is "There is a reason" This is the Caedmons Call version.

late at night I wonder why
sometimes I wonder why
sometimes I’m so tired
I don’t even try
seems everything around me fails
but I hold on to the promise
that there is a reason

late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
the history of the saints who’ve gone in front of me
through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
cause there is a reason
there is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
there’s a time to live and a time to die
a time for wonder and to wonder why
cause there is a reason
there is a reason

i believe in a God who sent His only son
to walk upon this world and give His life for us
with blood and tears on a long, dark night
we know that He believed
that there is a reason
there is a reason

for the lonely nights
and broken hearts
the widow's mite
in the rich man's hand
and the continent
whose blood becomes a traitor

for the child afraid to close their eyes
the prayers that seem unanswered
there is a reason
there is a reason



Friday, August 22, 2008

A sign of getting older

I have a bachelorette party this week. When I was discussing what to wear with my friend she said "Just wear something cute, ya know, like club clothes" And that is when it hit me. Im old. Because not only am I unclear on what club clothes are, I am quite certain I do not have any. I am hoping a cute black dress with some funky jewelry will suffice. And no, I will not be telling anyone the dress is from Ann Taylor, because Im sure thats not "club-y" So this is what its like to get older?! Too funny!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Lets try it again

My period came, such a delight to wake up to this AM. I think its amazing how something as simple as a temp drop signifies the arrival of my period but atleast I got the warning. Saved me from crying today, I got to do that yesterday :)

I used to think of "good" things that I got to do because my period was here and I wasnt pregnant. Like a coping mechanism. I have a bachelorette party this weekend that I can now get wasted at. But for some reason, this doesnt make me feel better one bit. Id rather be pregnant.

I keep trying to remember I am not walking this journey alone. I guess I just wish I didnt always feel so alone. Thanks for the support, you all mean alot to me.

Footprints
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints."I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you
."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

20 (or 21) things about me

Redrose tagged my blog and challenged me to list 20 Random things about me. (I picked 21, because thats just how I am) I thought it would be easy but it took me over a day to come up with my list. Here it is. And you should try it, too. Comment on my blog if you make your own list, Id love to read:

1. I have visited 40 out of 50 states
2. My sister is my best girlfriend. My mom takes a close second.
3. I am obsessed with cleaning supplies. I just counted and I have 6 different kids of Pledge. Help me.
4. I use tons of coupons. I typically save about $20 a week on groceries, at a minimum. Which is good considering I rarely spend over $50.
5. My first car was a 1991 Honda Accord. The radio didn’t work good and I used to kick it (while driving) to get some sound out of it. Kinda dangerous.
6. I won a “Just say No” contest when I was 6. The prize was a $500 savings bond. I cashed it in and used it to buy my first books in college
7. I met my MOH online when we were in HS. We talked for 2 years before our parents let us fly to meet one another
8. I hate rollercoasters or any kind of rides. I have horrible motion sickness. Needless to say, I haven’t been to an amusement park in a long time.
9. I will never own a dog or cat. I like other people’s animals but its not for me.
10. I never buy expensive greeting cards. I spend hours looking through the ones at Dollar Tree or Factory Card outlet until I find the nicest but cheapest ones.
11. My first job was at Boston Market. I refused to be a server, I wanted to be a meat cutter so they let me. I also sometimes wore the chicken costume and waved to cars
12. My best memory as a child is Christmas time. My grandparents always had someone dress up as Santa and bring us gifts. I swear I can remember every Christmas
13. I could easily drink a 12 pack in one night while in college. Now, Im lucky if I can get down a beer or two
14. I love Christian music. Its inspiring and uplifting, whats better than that?
15. I always wanted to be a meteorologist when I was a kid. I used to watch the weather channel for hours
16. I have an extreme fear of ants. Im ok with spiders, bees, etc. But ants scare the crap out of me.
17. I have met 3 out of 4 grandparents and 4 of my great grandparents. Plus my one grandma has had a “boyfriend” for 25 years, who I consider my grandpa. So I had 4 grandparents up until last January. My sister and I never had a babysitter, we always had one set of grandparents watch us. It’s the greatest blessing in my life to have known them all.
18. I have never had a cavity. Which is amazing, since I used to be addicted to pop. Like drinking a two liter a day addicted. Yikes.
19. I used to think I didn’t care, but Im kinda sad about turning 30 in 6 months. I don’t know if it’s the lack of being pregnant or what, but Im bummed
20. I am always early. I don’t think I have ever been late to anything in my life. I get this from my dad. When I was younger, he and I would be waiting in the car for nearly 15 minutes before my sister and mom would saunter out. Drove us nuts!
21. I have realized that you can still be nice while being honest and truthful. Also, you don’t have to make everyone happy. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. Taking care of yourself is number 1. Because in the end, there is no guarantee that anyone will take care of you but you. And if people attack you for it, screw ‘em!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I feel so good

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I woke up with this odd sense of peace. I say odd because for a long time, I have been waking up with feelings of stress from TTC, work, various other drama. Its been awhile since I have just felt relaxed. But today, I feel like a new woman. I feel like someone who is not overcome with stress. I feel like someone who is not riddled with guilt for things that are beyond my control. And I feel happy. Its almost like God has touched my soul and he has cleared it. I cant explain it, but its amazing.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be
'Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Chillin in the 2 WW

So my temps shot up this AM which confirms it. Im in the 2 WW. Again. I kinda like it here. The pressure of ovulation is off. The sex marathon can cease. Now I just gotta sit back and hope my body can do its thing. Come on lucky cycle 14!

And check this out. My mom is so cute. The other day, she told me she wanted to buy me something. Here is how she explained it:

Mom: "Shannon, I hope Im not crossing the line but I want to buy you something. It sounds so cool. Its like this machine, and you just pee on a stick and put it into the machine and, you're not going to believe this, but it tells you when to have sex. Like the exact day. Now its expensive, like $200, but you're worth it and whatever I can do to help you, Im up for it."

So clearly my mom heard about the CBEFM and wants to get it for me to help us. The thing is, its not really a good option because:

1. We have good timing
2. I get b/w to confirm ovulation
3. We will be moving on to u/s to check follies

She sounded kinda defeated when I told her I knew all about it and proceeded to explain to her why it wouldnt work. But I love that she cares enough to share this info with me...and that she was willing to spend the money to help us out! Too cute.

Ok, well Im gonna go back to chillin' in the 2 WW. Hope everyone is having a good day!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

So I DID end up loving it!

Finished Twilight last night, loved it. Im obsessed, I cant wait to see what happens next. I read the preview of New Moon, which was at the end of the book and that only made my obsession worse.

I have a rule with books- unless its one of my ultimate favorites, I dont buy it. The reason is that I read alot and I read fast and its just not economical for me to buy books. I might make an exception for New Moon though, I dont know if I can wait around a month for it to be my turn to borrow it from the library.

Im also pumped, I havent ovulated yet. This is good news because Im out of town so its been messing with my timing. I am headed home tonight so we can get to work on our timing. I do have good signs of O though, so now Im hoping its not too far away.

And one more thing. I had a BFP dream last night. It was so vivid, which is unusual for me, I dont remember mine much. And it continued for awhile, like I was doing regular activities but knew I was pregnant. Kinda sucked to wake up from that!

Ok, one more meeting to go and then Im on my way home, WOOT!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Marriage

I was talking to my grandpa today and our conversation turned to marriage. My grandma just passed away last year so its not an easy thing for him to talk about, they were married 50+ years. In our conversation, he told me the following:

Marriage isnt easy, its alot of work. But if you're lucky, one day you'll be 70 years old and your kids will be grown and married with kids of their own and you'll be driving down the street and look over at your wife. And you'll realize you haven't spoken for an hour but you didnt have to. Because she always knows what you have to say and the comfort between you is enough because your silence speaks volumes. That is love.

Well crap. If Im lucky to have half as much love as my grandparents had for one another, I think I will be pretty happy.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Twighlight and feeling better

Im pumped, I just got an email from the library that "Twilight" is in. I will be picking it up at 9 on the dot, im excited!

And I feel better about the news yesterday. I dont know why I let other people's news affect me. I dont want to live someone else's life so why should I let what happens to them bother me? Its my cousin's life, he has to deal with it. Its not a reflection on whats going on in my life.

Life isnt fair. But I think its the unfairness that makes us who we are. If everything was always perfect, there wouldnt be the chance to build your character or strengthen your faith. And I guess I need to work on that.

"Our real blessing often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappoinments, but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figure." -Joseph Addison

Friday, August 1, 2008

Evil

Crap, I know I am an evil bitch for my post earlier but I cant get over it. Why not me and Dan? We are ready for a baby. We want a baby. We pray for a baby every night. Sometimes more than once.


I hate this. I am sorry that I am so angry. Please God, help me get over it. PLEASE?

WTF

My grandpa just called. My cousin, who has been dating his girlfriend for 6 months, has gotten her pregnant. With twins. They are due around my birthday in February.

For the first time in my TTC journey, a pregnancy announcement has made me physically ill. I just got sick. And now I need some strength. Please pray that I can properly process this information and turn my anger and jealousy into some positive emotion. Because right now, Im anything but positive.

WTF? WTF? WTF? Are you kidding me?