Thursday, October 30, 2008

10 messages

That is how many messages I came home to today. My first thought is "Did someone die" or "is someone badly injured and my family is trying to get a hold of me" because why the heck would I have 10 messages.

And then I started listening. EVERY SINGLE ONE was some pre-recorded mumbo-jumbo from a candidate or a political party. ALL 10. This is driving me nuts, its too much! I cannot wait until the election is over, simply so I dont have to field the phone calls or flick through the channels until I find one that is not playing a political ad. I consider myself fairly "political" but enough is enough.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I am excited about something

I realized today that for the first time in awhile, I am really excited about something? What is it, you ask? The Twilight movie!!!!!!!!!



Thats right, ladies. I am an almost 30 year old woman who cannot WAIT to watch a movie about teen vampires. *sigh* Although most of the people who read my blog share the obsession, so that makes me feel better

But the excitement got me thinking about just how good it feels to look forward to things. I want to look forward to more than just being a mom. I want to not let it take over my life anymore. So maybe being excited about Twilight is my first step. And ya know what? I'll take it!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Its the weekend, still sick and our plan.

Well its not quite the weekend yet, my day officially ends at 4:30. Come on 25 minutes! But since I work from home, Im already in my comfy clothes and have done some cleaning so I feel like the weekend has started.

My mom scheduled her surgery for November 3rd. The good thing is that I am off of work on the 5th-7th so I can spend some time with her while my dad goes back to work. I just cant wait for the surgery to be over so that she can focus on recovering and feeling better.

And check this out. Tomorrow is the 10th day of my meds, which is supposed to be the last, but I kid you not. I STILL dont feel good. I have a bit of a cough, which I could live with but the bad part is that I still cant hear fully out of my ears. Are you kidding me? So I guess I need to go back to the doctor. Lovely.

I have also had some people asking me lately about my lap surgery and our TTC plan. We kinda had a bump in the road with that at our last RE appt. Basically, the RE told us that after we do the lap, they give me 3 months to get pregnant and if Im not, they move into IUI. The problem? We arent ready for IUI. I cant help it but I still feel like I have a shot to get pregnant without IUI, IVF or any meds and its not that Im against it at all, I just am not ready to go down that path. So we have suspended our RE visits and cancelled the lap. We are going to keep trying 6-8 cycles, which will take us to April-June. If Im not pregnant by then, we will decide whether we will do the lap or move into adoption. At that point, it will be at 2 years of trying and, in my opinion, it will be time to make a decision on what we do.

Honestly? Part of me doubts our decision. I wonder if we should be more proactive. But when I really think about it and when Dan and I pray about it together, the answer we always come to is that we want to keep trying. All I can ask for though is prayers. Because I need them right now. I feel myself falling apart a bit and it takes all that I am at times to keep things together.

Alright, enough with that. I hope everyone has a rockin' weekend. Peace!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My Poems

"Why AF is a Whore" by Shannon Lea

AF is a whore because she ruins my day when she comes.
She makes me mad
She makes me crampy
She dashes my hope
She puts a pimple on my cheek.
I hate her


"Why AF is Not a Whore" By Shannon Lea

When she comes, I can drink a big fat glass of wine
And it is yummy


(I am quite aware that these poems are ridiculous and they do not rhyme. And yes, I have already sucked down a glass of wine in the matter of 15 minutes so I might be buzzed)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

NIAW


Today marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I just want to take this time to honor all of the people who walk this journey every day with me. You all get it. You know how hard it is. You know how much it hurts. You know how much it can completely turn your life upside down. I hope that even though its hard, you have comfort in not walking the journey alone.

My friend asked me the other day how I was feeling about still trying to get pregnant. Not many people ask me that because I think they are scared of me. They are scared to upset me. They dont know how to deal with me. And thats hard because it makes me feel even more alienated from my girlfriends, most of which have children. I told her that I feel like my life is not my own anymore. Its divided into two sections; Waiting to Ovulate and Waiting to Take a Test. I have put so much on hold while we have been trying. Heck, I didnt even buy clothes for well over a year. And Dan and I didnt take a cruise for our anniversay because I thought surely I would be pregnant. I feel like infertility tells me how to feel. If I ovulate on time, Im happy. If my blood levels come back good, Im thrilled. If my temps drop one day, I am crushed. When my period shows up, sometimes its hard to breathe through the tears. It owns me.

I dont want it to own me anymore. I want to be free. I want my Sisters in Infertility to be free, too. You all are in my thoughts today. I love you all.

Also, take the time to click on this pledge and show your support to Infertility and RESOLVE.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?pagename=homepage&id=207

Thanks!

Friday, October 17, 2008

My Mama Update

Just a quick update- I wanted to thank you all for your well wishes, kind words and prayers. I just spoke to my mom and she told me that:

1. The cancer is in early stage 1, no indication it has spread
2. She is a candidate for the non-invasive hysterectomy, she will have it within the next month
3. It does not look like she will need radiation.

I am so happy for her. Again, thank you all for the support, it means alot to me!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

My own fault

Well I finally got to the doctor today, after not feeling good for, um, yeah, a month. Anyways, I have (drum roll, please) a sinus infection, a double ear infection and bronchitis. Which kinda explains why I feel like I am going to die.

So I am home, still doing some work, but mostly taking it easy. I cant wait for my meds to start kicking in so that I can hear again. I am sick of feeling like I am under water and I am pretty sure that Dan is sick of me saying "huh" or "whats that"

I hope everyone is having a great day!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Hi 2 ww! Its me, Shannon.

And here I am once again, the 2 WW. Im filled with the usual "should-I-eat-pineapple core" and "could-that-cramp-be-implantation" hope but its all good. 12 days until testing. I hope this is it.

I have officially entered week 3 of having a cold. It is dreadul. And I know I should go to the doctor but work is so darn busy that I havent had chance. Maybe this week. Or maybe it could just go away on its own already, come on!

We celebrated my Dad's birthday yesterday, it was fun. My mom made dinner and we went to their house. Speaking of my mom- she feels great and has her consult this week to see if she is a candidate for the non-evasive hysterectomy. I will know more by the end of the week.

I havent posted a song in awhile so here it is:



How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Need Prayers

My mom called yesterday to let me know that the doctor diagnosed her with Uterine Cancer. The background is that she had an abnormal pap and some bleeding so the doctor did a D&C last week. After the D&C, he told her and my dad that everything looked great. Well the results of the biopsy came back yesterday and cancer cells were found in various places of her lining. Its unclear if the cancer has spread to the ovaries or lymph nodes but they will remove everything in a hysterectomy that she is in the process of scheduling.

I have done the research and have heard many stories today so deep down, I feel like she will be all right. It appears to be in early stages and there is a good success rate of removing the cancer with the hysterectomy but I am scared. And Im worried. And I dont want my mom to have to go through this.

I know alot of you have heard this story and I appreciate the prayers. And for anyone else, if you could say a prayer for my mom tonight, Id be so greatful. She is a beautiful, kind and courageous person. And she is my entire world. Thanks :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Advice? (I mean shut up ,please)

I know that people mean well when they offer advice on TTC and I am well aware that its my own fault for letting people know we are trying but I have decided to compile a list of some of the advice I have received over the past 16 months of trying:

1. Get drunk
2. Dont drink
3. Go on a cruise
4. Relax
5. Go to Niagara Falls, Vegas, inset other stupid location here
6. Eat ice cream (whole milk something or other)
7. Dont eat ice cream (or any sweets)
8. Watch for your creamy discharge and have sex then
9. Relax
10. Adopt a baby (cause thats so easy to do)
11. Have sex more
12. Have sex less
13. Relax
14. Try yoga
15. Work out more
16. Work out less
17. Just have fun with it
18. Pray more (really? Im pretty sure God is sick of me by now)
19. Dont think about it
20. RELAX


Have any more to add to the list? I know I have a lot more but these are the ones I hear ALL THE TIME. HELP! :)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The purchase of pants

There are many things in my life that have been affected by our TTC journey. One has been my wardrobe. When we started TTC in June 07, I quit buying new clothes. Why? Well, I thought I would get pregnant right away, of course. So instead of buying regular clothes, I was going to wait until it was time to buy maternity clothes. Oh sweet-naive-early-days-of-TTC-Shannon, if only you knew.

Fast forward to 16+ months later. I got up this morning and went to pick out an outfit and it occured to me. I have bought NOTHING new in all this time. I take that back. I bought a dress. The one I bought for a bachelorette party so that my friend would quit calling me old (Apparently Ann Taylor is not appropriate clubbing material) This realization angered me. I was so angry with myself that I had put my life on hold for all this time. And what does an angry girl do? She shops!

I warned Dan ahead of time because I knew it could get pricey. He was very supportive so today, between appointments, I hit the mall. When it was all said and done, I bought 3 pairs of pants and 3 sweaters along with 2 tops. It felt so good to pick out items I liked and buy them and not worry if my pregnant (or not pregnant cause who knows anymore) butt will fit into size 8 Limited Cassidy Pants in a month or two.

I wish I would have done this earlier because I FEEL GREAT. And I look great, too :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!