I wanted to update after my "Sad Shannon" post the other day. I actually recovered fairly quickly from my pity party but its taken me a few more days to try to figure things out. I've really been thinking and praying about why I cant get my heart and head on the same page. I have been considering why I KNOW that God has a plan but then I continue to question the plan with my tears and my "poor me" attitude. I think, however, that I am starting to understand.
Things in my life have always come easily. I tried out for a team, I made it. I applied for a job, I got it. I wanted something, I bought it. Was I spoiled? Thats debatable. Because I have always been very greatful for my life. But my life hasnt been hard. I was always in control and I always got what I wanted.
For the first time in my life, I have faced an obstacle that I cant fix on my own. Trust me, I've tried. I've tried to control it by using any kind of TTC trick there is. I've charted, I've taken supplements, I've tried fertility teas, I've tried pre-seed. I've prayed every fertility prayer I could find. And none of it has worked. So at the end of each cycle, I feel like a failure. Because I cant do it.
But then it gets worse. Instead of trying fertility procedures, I have put up a wall around myself and have ceased any help. And I really think I have done this because I am so afraid of failing. I am so afraid that we will try fertility procedures and they wont work. And then where will I be?
In all honesty, I have not done everything I can be doing to make my TTC ok with me. I have run from the help. Most importantly, I have not turned it over to God. I say that I have, but I have only turned over part. The most important part, which is the part that bring me to my knees in tears, is the part that I still hold onto. I want to give this to God. I want him to know I cant do this without him. I want him to hold my soul in his hand and bring comfort. And I am starting to understand that this wont happen unless I release control of this. So I have changed my prayers. Instead of praying to be pregnant, I am praying to see God's will for Dan and me. I am praying for comfort and peace. And I am praying for the strength and courage to let go and allow God to have control.
To my friends, thank you. I appreciate your support, your encouragement and your friendship.
"You block your dreams when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"
1 week ago