Thursday, January 8, 2009

But what if I NEED an explanation?

I have been struggling alot recently with this whole Unexplained Infertility diagnosis. At first, it felt great to know that nothing was medically wrong and that it was just taking us longer to conceive. But lately, the diagnosis has left me lost and overwhelmed.

I feel like I have nothing to blame and for some reason, I need to blame something. I dont like not having a reason. It feels so "open ended" to me. I feel like Im in a bad break-up and I need closure.

This morning, when my period came, I wanted to be able to shake my fist in the air and yell "you stupid sperm and your misshapen heads" or "dumb, lazy ovary, why cant you do your job" just so I could have an outlet for my frustration. But since I cant blame those things, I blame myself. What if I didnt time our sex right? What if that extra caffeine during the 2 WW affected implantation? Its work, right? Im too stressed with work, that has to be it. If only I didnt work so much. And on and on I go.

I want to find a way to not blame myself. I trust God in this journey and I have faith that I will be a mom. But I find myself taking on so much blame and I pray that I could relieve myself of that.

I heard this song today by Third Day and in true Shannon-form, it brought me to tears. I feel like this song speaks to me and hope it speaks to some of you, too.

20 comments:

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

I completely understand, having previously been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" as well. At first I was relieved, believing that at least I knew nothing was wrong with us. But then I began to wonder if this really meant that it just wasn't God's timing or if it meant that something really was wrong with us and they just couldn't find it yet. This made me fear the extensive testing or drawn out time that I may have to endure before finding out what was wrong or getting pregnant instead.

Rather than blaming myself, though, I realized that God could have used our one time of sex a few days before ovulation (poorly timed) to still fertilize the egg. He could've caused fertilization and implantation even though I only elevated my legs for 10 mins instead of 30. He could still bring forth a baby even if I had a bum uterus, broken eggs, and dead sperm to work with. He's done it plenty of times before.

So, I just had to trust that even if the doctors could find no reason to explain my infertility, if there was something wrong deeper than that, God was bigger than it was. And if there was nothing wrong, then I would conceive in His perfect timing anyways.

I hope that helps settle your mind just a bit. Praying for you and hoping for the best!

Danse said...

This is such a rough road. I'm sorry.

::hugs::

I can tell you though that even with a Dx, I often blame myself, and honestly - it's NOT my fault my body isn't working well and there's nothing I could have done to change this. My point is - regardless of a Dx (or lack of one) it's all to ease to place blame on ourselves.

Bliss04 said...

i know what you mean wanting to have something to blame. my friends suffered from unexplained infertility for 3 years. it was difficult, not only because of the obvious reasons, but because everything was supposed to be fine, but wasn't. their road of infertility ended when they did their first round of IVF, and now they have two beautiful twin girls.

on the positive side, when you decide to do IUI or IVF, at least you know there is no medical reason why you can't carry a healthy baby to term. you won't be considered high risk because of this or that, you're HEALTHY.

i know this will happen for you, Shannon, i just KNOW it.

Katie said...

I know what you mean about wanting something or someone to blame - when I got frustrated while we were TTC I started nit-picking everything DH did ("really, 2 beers? alcohol affect sperm..." or "how about a salad instead of a cheeseburger..."). It made life miserable for both of us, so I'm glad my way of thinking came around after a few weeks and I let it go (I realized that it would happen when it was meant to happen, and God did indeed have a plan for us).

My thoughts are with you and Dan - I have no doubt that it will happen for you and when it does, you will be awesome parents!!

K. Bauer said...

It's times like this that I wish doctors wouldn't say, "There's nothing wrong with you." What they really should say, "Hell if I know!"

It's not your fault. Eventually probability has to work in your favor.

Keep your head up.

Dianne said...

I am in the same boat you are!!! Unexplained Infertility is so hard! It is hard to know what you are doing right or wrong in this case! just keep it up, never give up hope! I am praying for you. Oh by the way we will start the IVF process on my next cycle, we have to wait for the test results to come back to see if we qualify for the shared risk program.

Lindsey said...

Shannon, I totally understand what you are saying. I definitely need something to blame and it really helps to have an outlet.
You are constantly in my prayers and thoughts and I look forward to the day you announce that you and Dan are going to be parents, I get the chills just thinking about it.

Scullyhoyy said...

I'm sorry Shannon...((hugs))
Your in my prayers....

Lindsay said...

Sorry hun. Its so much easier to know what's wrong by having a dx than to wonder what the hell is wrong. I agree, "unexplained infertility" is just code for "hell if i know." I hope something happens for you soon ::hugs::

did you ever do your lap, i can't remember?

Mrs.F said...

I'm so sorry, Shannon. It's not fair. I want so badly to see you finally announce your BFP. Sometimes miracles take time... I'm sure that's the last thing you want to hear, but I have faith that you will be a mommy & a wonderful one!! Once again, you are in my prayers... you can count on that.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry Shannon! You are continually in my thoughts and prayers. I can't wait for the day when you get your BFP. ((HUGS))

osuraj said...

I would feel the exact same way as you...even though it doesn't change anything, being able to say, "this is why this is happening" provides at least some understanding. I could say "don't blame yourself" but the reality is that it's hard not to. I'm thinking of you!

Carly said...

oh shannon- i am so sorry, i imagine the unexplained is a most frustrating diagnosis. You are right, you will be a mom- someday, somehow you will have a baby in your arms. Big hugs to you right now, and screw the slore

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you.

(HUGS)

Mary said...

Oh Shannon... I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I completely understand what you are going through. I've had these same feelings. Actally, I think I've had a post so similar to this it is scary.

I pray for you every night. you have such a good heart and open arms to welcome a baby into. We all do.

All I can say is that I know it will happen for you. One way or another it WILL happen for you.

I will continue to pray for you. I'll pray not only for your VFP but for you to continue to have the strength to get through this.

xoxo

Shanny said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I can't imagine how incredibly frustrated and angry your must feel. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and wish only the best for you. I can't wait for the day you share the awesome news with us, because you will, because we are all praying for it and you and Dan deserve it. Big big hug.

Silvina said...

BIG BIG ((HUGS)). I don't know you personally, but you seem the warmest person with a hugh heart. I constantly pray for you and I'll continue. I'm always thinking of you!

Stephanie said...

(((hugs)) I'm sorry Shannon. You are always in my prayers. I don't know what unexplained IF feels like since we did have some identifiable problems. I just wanted you to know I'm always thinking of you and praying for you.

K. Bauer said...

And today is where you sweep in, read my blog and again expertly predict that it will be okay and I'll get my CH's back.

Right?

Or you can tell me they're gone. It's okay.

gringa78 said...

So sorry AF showed up. I know what you mean about wanting a reason. Ugh, it's so frustrating. If only we knew what was going to happen in the future...but there is one thing I know for sure-You WILL be a mom. I know it. I'm here for you if you need anything. ((HUGS))