Tuesday, June 23, 2009

13 weeks and Walking by Faith

Well I skipped my belly pic again this week because in all honesty, I've been too tired and sick to do much else besides work and eating. But Im feeling good today so I wanted to take some time to update my blog and write about something thats on my mind.

What I really wanted to write about is revelation I had the other day. As most of you know, my faith played a huge role in my TTC journey. After praying, I used to have little convos with God along the lines of "Please just let me get pregnant, its all I want, I promise to be a good mom, I promise I wont let you down" And by the Grace of God, he did bless me with two babies. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank him for entrusting these two lives to me. I oftentimes feel overwhelmed and not worthy of this blessing.

My revelation came when I realized that I didn't really prepare myself for what would happen AFTER I got pregnant. To me, getting pregnant was my "holy grail" I just wanted to get there. But once I got there, I forgot alot about the faith that led me to where I am today. I dont mean that I quit going to church or reading my bible, I mean that I have let myself become:

Overwhelmed with fear about the babies- are they ok? Are they growing? Why cant I hear the heartbeat on the doppler?

Beaten-down with senses of failure- Why cant I keep up with cleaning, laundry, shopping? Why cant I keep up with work as much? Do my friends know how much I miss lunches, dinners, emails because Im too tried to keep up?

Filled with apprehension for the future- Will I be able to care for two babies? How can I balance being a working mother? How will we get everything done that needs to get done?


Don't get me wrong- I know the answers to these questions. Everything will be ok. But this was a wake-up call to me, similar to the one I got when I was TTC- I CANT DO THIS ALONE. I need to turn these concerns over to God, ask him to grant me peace and clarity in the situation and guide me.

And I am doing that again and it feels good. I feel like I am back on track and I am able to Walk by Faith and that will guide me.

I hope everyone has a great week! Saturday is a big day- I begin the 2nd Trimester so I promise to have a good belly pic then!


Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do



22 comments:

Lindsay said...

::Hugs:: I hope that you're feeling better soon.

flojat said...

I miss you. (((hugs))) Glad you are in a place that brings you peace, and I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

Shell said...

You are so inspirational! I hope you feel better. It gets better in the 2nd tri. as far the the tiredness goes.

Stephanie said...

I still have questions, worries and doubts like that every single day. Like you said, I just keep on praying and trusting that things will be ok. heck, sometimes I pray while I'm trying to breastfeed these two because it hurts and they won't cooperate and I think I might lose my mind...I ask God to give me patience and patience and MORE patience. LOL. Life with two babies is no picnic, and I agree that my big focus was getting pregnant...I never thought too much about what the pregnancy and the real life with two babies would really be like. My pregnancy was pretty rocky too, and faith and prayer got me through that. You are right...things will be ok, but it is also ok to be afraid and nervous, and to say it out loud! We are always here for you too when you need us. ((HUGS))

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

I know how you feel, I feel like that every day. Although I've been around babies and kids my whole life, it's never been MY baby or MY child I've had to care for. With only 6 and a half weeks to go, I guess I better get myself mentally prepared for that! I know we'll get through it. :)

Amy said...

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling so good. You are so right about giving everything to God and not being able to do it alone. I also have little conversations with God and sometimes it just helps me get by. I'm always praying for you!

Mary said...

I think everything you are feeling is completely normal!
i miss you and can't wait until you are feeling better so you can come out and play more!

Kelly and Natalie said...

Beautifully written! And every thing will be ok, you have two little beans inside growing away, that's why you are so tired, and your friends will understand!

I'm not a super religious person, but I believe in plans and a purpose for being here. That gets me through rough times..I remind myself that there must be a reason for it all.

Hugs!

Jenn said...

I can tell you that I honestly sit back on some days and wonder why the house looks the way that it does. I am such a neat freak and it kills me to have things out of place. BUT, having my sweet baby girl is enough to put those thoughts out of my mind and focus on her cute smiles. It is normal to feel exhausted and once those two babies are here (my aunt has triplets, so I can relate somewhat since I helped her out) you will be even more exhausted. Just take the time to get your rest now and dont worry about anything else. God has given you, a wonderful and patient person, these two babies because he is knows what a wonderful mommy you are going to be. Good luck with starting to feel better!

Bliss04 said...

it's amazing how you don't think about what happens after the BFP. i know i experienced that as well. and in all honesty, i didn't feel any better about any of it until after my delivery. just "ride the wave!"

Megan said...

you are doing so well, Shannon, don't let yourself get down. You are a part of something beyond amazing. He chose you to carry these beautiful babies and he never gives us more than we can handle. With the doppler, I say if you can find the hbs (don't worry about hearing it unless dr says something), then everything should be fine. We still can't hear the hb and we are 17 weeks. Its all normal, sweetie. Just keep your chin up and praying you get your energy back soon. 2nd tri is so awesome! **HUGS**

jbwife said...

Shannon, you don't know how much i needed that song! Thank you!

gringa78 said...

Happy 2nd Tri, Shan! You're there! Hang in there with the sickness and fatigue...hopefully it lightens up for you soon. Thinking of you!

Kristi said...

Hey Shannon, just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a sisterhood award! Visit my blog for more details :)

Mrs.F said...

Already in 2nd tri... that's awesome! Trust me 2nd tri flies by. I hope you start feeling better soon. One thing that actually worked for me (for a couple hours at a time at least) was boiling soms fresh ginger root for about 10 minutes. Remove the root & enjoy your homemade "tea". The combination of the heat & the ginger helped settle my tummy :)

Gena said...

Love this...thank you.

And how does this work, you can't see my blog?

The Langes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hopefaithlove said...

Welcome to mommyhood, the worrying never stops even after the 9 months is over, hang in there b/c everything usually falls into place and you will do fine.

A said...

Gosh, I can't believe it's the 2nd Tri already! Congrats!!!! Hope you start feeling better very soon!

Tara White said...

Hey...trust me, your friends understand you are exhausted and not able to do much. i was there not long ago. i can relate. it's been a year since i had Parker and i'm just starting to feel "normal". Whatever that may be. it will be a while to feel like yourself again but you have to embrace it for what it is. You are growing the most amazing children and it takes so much out of you. Even if they are only the size of a bean. Try not to get ahead of yourself with worrying about the future. Take each day as it comes. That's what freaked me out after i had Parker. God, Dan and your family and friends will help you. You won't be doing it alone. I love you!!!

Mrs. Hammer said...

Great post, thanks for sharing. I hope you start feeling better soon! I'm looking forward to more belly pics.

Kristi said...

"Allowing" God to share our burdens is the best way to deal with whatever our walks here on earth bring us. I will continue to keep you and your little ones in my prayers, Shannon.