Im writing this post for me. I don't know what it is, but I guess I feel like I need to justify my decision to go back to work. But not really to anyone else, just myself. So here goes.
On Monday, I will watch as Dan loads up Emma and Joshua in our Odyssey and takes them to his parent's house. I will head to a job that I am not super crazy about, yet I am good at it. A job where I like the people I work with and, at the end of the day, a company that respects me and my performance. A job that I have worked at for 7 and a half years and a job where I have worked up to the top position on my team.
Here comes my confession. Most people say that they go back to work because they don't have a choice. The hard thing for me to admit is that I DO have a choice. Although it wouldn't be easy, Dan and I could afford for me to stay home. We have been married for awhile and have been careful with our money. So if I woke up on Monday morning and said "Dan, I can't do this," we would be able to survive.
So what stops me from staying home? I guess the answer is that I want to know. I want to know if I REALLY want to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) I mean, sure, I can say now that I want nothing more to be at home with Emma and Joshua. But, for me, I don't think I will ever know this for sure unless I go back to work. Unless I see if I can balance the struggles of being a working mom. Because there is part of me that thinks I will be able to do it. And it will work for me. I will be able to kiss my babies good bye in the morning, pump on my lunch break, spend my spare time between appointments with a quick visit to see them and make dinner at night while I listen to them giggle in their swings.
The problem is that my decision has so much guilt associated with it. I am choosing work over Emma and Joshua. I have looked at our budget and know we can afford it but I have said the words "I choose work." This choice places a pain and weight on my heart that I wasn't prepared for. I feel selfish. I feel selfish because I want it all. I want time with my kids. And I want time for me. It took us so long to get pregnant and these children are the answers to our prayers yet I am choosing to leave them with someone else (albeit Dan's parents, who love them like crazy)
So that's it. My confession. I know that even though I feel sadness and even though I feel selfish, I am making the right decision for me. I need to try this. And if it doesn't work, then atleast I will know.
Alright, well I am off to enjoy my last day alone with Emma and Joshua. I might even let them snuggle in bed with me for one of their naps instead of their cribs, just so I can spend that extra time with them. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!