I had a lesson tonight in how infertility changes you.
While out of town, I went to a work dinner function. And someone asked me an innocent question while at dinner- Do I want to have another child? In that moment, the same fears and sadness that plagued me for 2 years (and if I am being honest, still plague me) were brought to the surface. Because I can't answer that question with a carefree response like "Well sure, Id love another baby and Im confident I can just have another one without a problem."
Let me begin my saying the following- I know I am lucky. Er, lucky is an understatement. I am blessed beyond belief. For some reason, God shed His grace on me and blessed me with the opportunity to be the mother to two of the most beautiful children that I have ever seen. I will never, ever take for granted. Ever.
That being said, it saddens me that I don't know if I will ever get to have another child. I won't ever be able to be excited about the prospect of trying to get pregnant because, for me, I don't know if months and months of unprotected sex will lead to a child. And Dan and I have already discussed we will not go through what we went through the first time to conceive. Sure, we got pregnant on our first IUI (and again, I know we are super lucky) but I cannot handle the pain that goes along with trying for months on end. I refuse to lay on the floor of my bathroom and sob like a maniac while I clutch a negative pregnancy test. I just cant do that again.
So, my friends, thats one way that infertility has changed me. Its taken a thing like the prospect of being pregnant and turned it into a source of fear, stress and apprehension. What if one day I decide that I really, REALLY want another baby? Will I then have to enter back into the crazy, unknown world of infertility again? Will I be strong enough to deal with what I dealt with last time?
I guess I will cross that bridge when we come to it. Until then, please know that I am more than happy with what I have. I still pray for those who are fighting the infertility battles. Its not fair that you have to go through that but just know, you arent alone!
2 days ago