Thursday, April 15, 2010

How Infertility Changes You

I had a lesson tonight in how infertility changes you.

While out of town, I went to a work dinner function. And someone asked me an innocent question while at dinner- Do I want to have another child? In that moment, the same fears and sadness that plagued me for 2 years (and if I am being honest, still plague me) were brought to the surface. Because I can't answer that question with a carefree response like "Well sure, Id love another baby and Im confident I can just have another one without a problem."

Let me begin my saying the following- I know I am lucky. Er, lucky is an understatement. I am blessed beyond belief. For some reason, God shed His grace on me and blessed me with the opportunity to be the mother to two of the most beautiful children that I have ever seen. I will never, ever take for granted. Ever.

That being said, it saddens me that I don't know if I will ever get to have another child. I won't ever be able to be excited about the prospect of trying to get pregnant because, for me, I don't know if months and months of unprotected sex will lead to a child. And Dan and I have already discussed we will not go through what we went through the first time to conceive. Sure, we got pregnant on our first IUI (and again, I know we are super lucky) but I cannot handle the pain that goes along with trying for months on end. I refuse to lay on the floor of my bathroom and sob like a maniac while I clutch a negative pregnancy test. I just cant do that again.

So, my friends, thats one way that infertility has changed me. Its taken a thing like the prospect of being pregnant and turned it into a source of fear, stress and apprehension. What if one day I decide that I really, REALLY want another baby? Will I then have to enter back into the crazy, unknown world of infertility again? Will I be strong enough to deal with what I dealt with last time?

I guess I will cross that bridge when we come to it. Until then, please know that I am more than happy with what I have. I still pray for those who are fighting the infertility battles. Its not fair that you have to go through that but just know, you arent alone!

12 comments:

Just Believing said...

i know what you mean not exactly of course but its like my heart is so blessed and full having Faith but still infertility hurts will i ever be able to have another ( let alone afford another adoption) will i ever get to surprise my husband that we are expecting...on one hand i dont care my cup is already overflowing but you cant gelp but wonderthanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog periodically and I want you to know that I can relate more than you know to this post. After TTC for 22 LONG months and after our first IUI I was blessed with my BFP. As I was reading your post I had a flashback of me lying on the floor in the fetal position sobbing at the news of my very last "infertile friend's" BFP little did I know that just 10 weeks later I would again be on my knees in the bathroom floor sobbing but this time they were tears of joy because the HPT said "pregnant". My little boy is 3 weeks old now and I would go through it all again for him...every tear, every BFN was worth it but I know completely how you feel about being apprehensive to want another child. We are both so blessed to have our little miracles.....how could we ask for more? I really enjoyed reading this and taking a moment to reflect on my TTC journey....thanks for sharing.

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

I know that I don't have that certainty either after going through unexplained infertility. The "unexplained" part of it makes me weary of how easily it may happen the next time. I was able to get pregnant on my first round of Clomid, but will I need Clomid again? Can it happen naturally? Could it possibly be harder? I feel fairly confident that I CAN have more kids, which puts me in a different position. I just don't know how long it'll take. I have a newly married friend who talks all of the time about planning to TTC in the upcoming years. She has a whole timeline marked out. I cringe every time she talks of her plans to get pregnant in the first month or two of trying. She knows of my troubles and knows that it is all too possible to be in the same boat. And while I don't think she needs to fear, her naiveté hits something in my heart.

I don't ever take it for granted. I love my little guy with everything in me. And while the pain was difficult in those years, I am thankful for the perspective it has given me on life. I feel that my appreciation for conceiving, for my baby, and for others who struggle gives me a different outlook on life- one I'm thankful to have!

Shannon said...

Oh Shannon I am crying reading this post. Its so true on every level! its weird that your wrote about this but IF has been sneaking around teh past few days and I keep wondering what if this is the firs and only time I will be pregnant.
There isnt a day that goes by that I dont remember the struggle it took to get here. I feel so blessed by God right now, but there is still that fear just below the surface.
Thanks for sharing Shannon!
Miss you and lots of hugs and love

Alicea said...

I know what you mean two-fold. We went through TTC for a full year before becoming pregnant and then the bomb dropped when we found out Kyle had CF, an incurable, genetic disease. Because of this, we won't have any more children biologically, which saddens me a bit because I would love to see what another biological child would look like, act like, etc. You could always just "not try" and see what happens. If you get pregnant again, great! If not, you still have 2 beautiful children.

Anonymous said...

This was so interesting to me for a different reason. We got pregnant the first cycle we tried, but then I went into premature labor at 26 weeks. After 8 very scary and stressful weeks of bed rest, our little guy was born at 34 weeks, spent 3 weeks in the NICU, and came home on an apnea montior. So I share many of the same emotions about ever having another baby. I feel like I could probably get pregnant again but can I emotionally handle a high risk pregnancy and bed rest, especially with a toddler to care for? Mostly I just put it out of my mind and totally soak up my son's babyhood. It really does make me so grateful for what I have.

I love reading your blog by the way. You're always so honest and upbeat and your babies are so sweet!

LOVEDBYD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LOVEDBYD said...

It truely is a blessing to be a mother. I still have those bathroom moments but try very hard to stay positive, praise God for what I do have and carry on. I often wonder if I'll ever be a mom but I'll never give up trying! IF is not something anyone should have to experience.
Thanks for sharing Shan!

Deleted and reposted due to spelling/grammer...ooops! :)

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I know exactly the feeling and it's so not fair. I am so glad you have your 2 blessings now! And after going through IF you'll never take them for granted - you went through a lot to have them and that is amazing.

Mary said...

Oh sweetie, I feel you...
I've gotten that question a lot. And, while I'd love to have another child I refuse to put myself through both the emotional and physical tramas that we went through to have Zoey.

Never again do I want to hit rock bottom and be curled up on my kitchen floor crying when I get that call from the dr's office that the blood work was negative.


Of course, I say this now only 3 weeks post pardum. This could all change in a few years...

Kismet21 said...

We are getting that question a lot too. I am not on BC, so maybe a "magic baby" in a few years. If not, more IVF for us. I am blessed to have Sophia, but we would like a larger family. We will see.

Elisa said...

i relate to this on so many levels. even though Gizmo isn't here yet i've already thought about the anxiety and heartache involved with the possibility of trying for #2. will i find myself once again curled up on the floor bawling my eyes out, will i have to go thru more treatments, more meds, more IUI's, more despair?

you speak and write so eloquently about your IF struggles and i'd like you know (even though you probably already know) you've helped me immensely while on my TTC, IF, and eventual PG journey. i love you.